To Jesse.

Jes,
  I used to think I'd like my Monday mornings without you.  Perfect time for me to pick up around the house, grab a book, lounge around with the fur-kids.  Today, I'm missing you.  The house is quiet, the cats are calm.  All I can hear is trickling water from fishtank and Sage snoring in very deep, even rhythms.  The peace is making me very aware of the pitter-patter going on in my chest and the butterflies in my stomach.  It's very easy for me to reflect on how much has been changed in my head over this past weekend. 
  I'm so grateful you showed me the Leela Meditation game.  Thank you for playing/learning it in front of me, all the while relaxing us both.  I'd really like to play more Leela, maybe even buy the full game.  It feels like calling it a 'game' would be rude!  It's a meditation/relaxation tool, not a 'playful' game!
  Thank you for always taking the time to talk with me.  I have been very disrespectful to you to say the very least, but you have always refused to leave my side.  I would've given up on me a few weeks ago.  I don't know what you see in me that makes you stick it through, but I'm extremely grateful.
  Thank you for holding me when I had a breakdown the other night.  I felt so awful knowing that people crying makes you upset, but I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there to calm me.
   Last night's talk was so helpful.  I know I kept saying "I know, I know", but hearing someone else say what's been going on in my head was a positive reinforcement, a confidence booster, and a mentor's advice all rolled into one.  I can now see how I need to keep my selfish, impromptu, emotionally hurt thought process separated from the professional/"save the relationship for the good of my future business" logic (and act on the latter, of course).  Your voice in the dark kept me focused, helped my reasoning, and relaxed my mind when I normally would have forced a wall up to avoid thinking about something that bothers me.  You're really good at tearing my walls down.  (I'll never admit that out loud.)
  Thank you for being a "Jack of all Trades".  That trait makes you very easy to talk to about anything.  I've always been very insecure/shy about talking about change, about things I'd like to do if I ever could find the confidence.  I can't believe how much knowledge and experience you already have to be able to share with me.
  I can't believe I've had you in my life for 4 years and never knew past the cute, funny, nerdy side of you.  :D I've always had an attraction to your voice, always wanted to hear your opinion about anything.  I loved hearing you and Brian shout out to each other's porches.  I used any excuse to go outside to see you.  I used to get scolded at when I'd hear your door open, or see a blur go past the window, because I'd always look to see if it was you.  Maybe my subconscious knew about us all along? 
  I look forward to learning everything there is to know about you.  You've already trusted me with so much.  I look forward to seeing you grow as your own person and  as a father.  Thanks for being awake and able to chat with me on October 2nd.  I'll always thank the universe for giving me the guts (and vodka drinks) to be extremely honest that night, and for the addiction to your presence that followed. 
 I guess it's time for me to start getting ready for work.  I hope your day has been peaceful, and gave you the money and satisfaction you asked the universe for.  :)

--Angel

Feelings are too hurt to write.

A change has happened.  I'm not sure if the Universe has shifted or my subconscious is reminding me I'm close to a personal new year, but a new mentality has hit me hard.  It seems I woke up and realized I've learned a whole lot almost overnight.
I realize talk too much about myself.  I give too much information about myself, share my opinion too often.  I'm not talking about giving a bit of advice or telling  a story to a friend, I practically share my honest feelings with strangers.  I've been told people like that about me.  I've realized it makes me vulnerable.  Makes it easier to be set up to have my feelings hurt.
And boy, have they been hurt recently. I took my dreads out over the Halloween Holiday.  It took over 30 hours and three flea combs, but it's all out.  I saved a ton of my hair, much more than I expected. Besides needing a trim, it looks great.  I've only had one person say she doesn't like it, she liked my dreads better.  She was the highlight of my week...  Yes, I miss my dreads. Yes, I loved how it made me different from everyone else.  That's not why she was my ray of sunshine.  All week, people have been oooh-ing and ahh-ing over my hair.  Numerous people ran their fingers through my hair without permission.  Way too many of them verbally slapped me in the face with a smile on their own.  "Angel, I love your hair! Your dreads really looked like shit."  Wow, really?  Yes.  That was a quote. Someone had the balls to tell me those exact words.  It was pretty much the jist of every encounter.... A hairstyle, a lifestyle that I LOVED, cheapened and abused at the blink of an eye.  It really hurt me to hear so many people being so negative, so many people ignoring my eyes staring at the floor, tears swelling. 

Ugh.  I don't feel like writing anymore.
$9635.97 left in debt.