The Red in Gray.

The weather has matched my emotions this week.  The skies have been gray & overcast, rain falling in waves, the grass continuing to grow in overgrown shades of green.  Very much parallel to my emotions.  My mind has never been farther from clear, waves of different emotions come & go as they please, my to-do list (and stress level)  growing & growing like weeds. 

I've been grateful for the splash of red, the random flower that has grown in the middle of the overgrowth I call a front yard.  I've never seen such a flower before & I've made it a point to search for something similar in neighboring yards.  I see the flower in the dark.  It captures my attention anytime I'm near a window or door.  It has the power to get me off my couch, into my car, out to get crafts, to hurry home & back inside again.  It inspires me to chip away at my to-do list.  That one piece of color in my week of gray, my hope for luminosity, a prayer for a rainbow.  Maybe this flower will bring me enough motivation to succeed in the fight against my debts.  Maybe it'll help me bring an added income to save for my divorce.  Maybe this splash of color will help me discover something about myself that I've allowed to be covered in a layer of dust- that thick, suffocating, layer of gray.

Day for art.

I decided to take a day for art.  I wasn't excited about it, but lately, I'm a girl of gut feelings.  I had the gut feeling to take today off, to make mass inventory of my pendants so they can be made today, cooked Wednesday, glued Thursday, packaged Friday, and sold Saturday.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  I didn't hesitate to set my alarm for 8:30.  I didn't fight my alarm clock when I woke up.  (I did feel guilty for not taking my pup out for a walk, though).

Since I don't have a phone, I decided to stop by the Community Center where I'd be selling my pendants on Saturday, to see if there was a size restriction on my space available.  I forgot to mention that I'd be under a tent, using an oversized table.  Upon meeting with the lady at the front desk, I was informed that they were overbooked, and my space was no longer available.  Bummer.  That didn't stop my day, though.  I was disappoint, yes, but there will be another day to sell, right?

I got to Blue Heron and got busy.  I had been thinking of a good friend, Lorrie, the night before and first thing in the morning, so I made cupcake pendants based after the one she made on our first glass fusing class together.  They were fun to make.  I played on the saw a bit, cutting out more shapes for my kitten pendants.  I sketched a few ideas.  I even stayed long enough (10 hours total) to attend a mosaic's class.

Customers came and left.  Most of them are used to my face, most of them try to sell their work like I do.  With a little courage, I talked with many people about my disappointment first thing in the morning.  That opened doors to advice.  I got several pamphlets on upcoming craft events.  I received advice on advertising and how to catch people's eye.  I met a woman in the mosaic's class (who I never would have met if I didn't skip out of my real job) who knows about Dave Ramsey, Eddie Bush, and has same opinions about life lessons (everything happening for a reason, etc.)! 

Today was meant to happen.  Today people who were interested in what I do and in promoting my success saw my face, heard my voice.  Today I was reminded that art is something that is meant to be in my life, even if it has to be done a little at a time for me to have the disappointments and the learned experiences in the long run.

I felt it in my soul & it happened.

I had to get out of the house.  I had to, had to, had to.  Not because of boredom- my to-do list is never shortened.  Not because I had somewhere to go- I had recently come home from work and all my errands were done in the early morning.  Not out of excitement- "right now" was suppose to be a time of contentment that hadn't reached to me yet.  I felt pressure in my chest.  I felt anxiousness in my limbs.  I couldn't STAND another second inside my four walls. 

So I left.  I had a busy day planned for then's tomorrow, a Saturday.  I may as well run to the ATM, avoid the traffic, the hustle & bustle rush Saturdays seem to bring.  It was silly of me to go to an ATM alone after 10 in the evening.  Most would consider that unsafe, but once I decided that's where I was going as an escape from home, the anxiousness lessened.  Got my cash and noticed the gas station lights were unusually bright.  New florescents?  My stomach lurched and the overwhelming urge to cross the busy street filled my insides.  Alright, I'll go.  If I could see my knuckles, I'm sure they were white from gripping the steering wheel.   I'm going.

The very closest pump from the road was open.  Another car was in front of me, going to the same place, but didn't stop at my usual pump.  Chance?  The pump, number 12, seemed unusually dark, considering how the light was what attracted me to this place.  Maybe because 12 is at the end, or maybe it was because I was so close to the shadows of the trees. 

I still had cash in hand when I opened my car door.  I lifted the leaver for my gas tank, locked the doors, and started walking towards the store, all the while counting out 40 of my 100 dollars.  I was still looking at my hands when my stomached flipped.  I didn't see a man standing in the darkness on the sidewalk between the gas station and the dumpsters.  I didn't see him, that is, until he started walking towards me.  He had on long sleeves, a hoodie.  It wasn't cool enough for that.  He walked with a swag, but kept his head down.  I picked up the pace, he turned his feet towards me.  He never slowed down, but I reached the doors.  Only one person in line.  Only one clerk behind the desk. 

I gave the clerk the money.  "25 on 12, please".  I put the change in my pocket immediately.  Maybe if the man outside asked for cash, I could tell him I just put it all in my tank.  I was hesitant to go back outside.  Was he at the door?  Was he waiting?  Was he watching me? 

I didn't see him at first.  I was almost back to my car before I realized he was again hiding in the shadows on the sidewalk beside the dumpster.  "Universe, please keep me safe".  I felt it.  I felt energy run to the tips of my fingers.  I felt the energy in the bottoms of my feet.  It made my hair stand on end.  The urgency that got me out of my house left my body, leaving only awareness.  I wasn't sure what I was aware of at the time, but I knew it was the single emotion I felt.

The man who pulled into the gas station before me was still there.  He must be close to leaving, I'm sure.  It doesn't take long to fill a tank, especially if you use a card to save a trip inside, unlike me.  As soon as the handle of the pump was in my hand, I heard the *donk* that comes to signal no more gas can go in your car.  The only person close to me, the only person keeping the hooded man away is leaving.  "Please, please stay until I get $15 in.  I'll leave with you".  The man beside me squeezed the lever of his handle again.  He's trying to fill more gas.  I reached $10... "Please, a little more.  I'll leave with you".  *Donk*  The man screwed his cap back on and got in his car.  This is it.  Is the last $15 worth my life?  I'll stop when he starts his car.  The man sat in his car for a minute, fumbling with something in his lap.  Then he reached behind him, opened his car door, and threw away a soda bottle.  I stared at him, trying to get his attention, to thank him with my eyes.  He gets back in his car.  $23.... $24.....   *DONK*  My tank has reached it's payment.  The man's car starts.  I look over at the hooded figure.  He's shifting his weight from one foot to another, still watching me.  Will he run for me?  Is he going to take his chance?

I put my cap back on.  I walk over to my driver's side door.  Unlocked it.  I hear My Savior's car shift into drive.  He hesitates a moment, and starts to ease away.  As soon as my car door shuts, the hooded man starts to walk towards me quickly, but not fast enough.  I could see his face as I'm driving off the lot.  Blank. Unkind.  What was he thinking?  What made him hesitate?  I'm grateful for his cowardice.  I'm grateful for the man who seemed busy, who didn't leave me alone.  Whether the man did it on purpose, the Universe answered me. 

The Universe made me leave my house, led me to this situation.  It wanted me to feel what I felt.  Made me be aware of me.  I've gone years without caring what happens to me.  I always put others first.  This was the night the Universe showed me, earlier, a man I loved for four years as he really is.  Showed me the black and white, the plain and simple, the facts.  The universe pushed me out of the shadows of my life, away from the hooded figures, and introduced me to the bright lights of my future, the life-saving strangers, the urge to awaken and protect myself, my feelings, and my life.

Change is Happening

 0 of 30 in 0, $10,239.23 in 20

There comes a time in one's life when you get tired of dealing with the same problems day in and day out.  It's frustrating, un-motivating, and your value of life fades.  Life stays the same until the day you to look at the life you've chosen and have that Dr. Phil "How's that working for you?" moment. It is then you can start to fix what you've let break. 

I have finally become fed up with my weight.  I allowed myself to put on over fifty pounds with the depression that came with my marriage.  Why I was depressed when I got married is a story for a different day.  The weight came 5 years ago, it's time for it to find the door.  I weighed myself today: 182.8.  It's not my heaviest, but not where I'm comfortable, either.  I've decided I'm going to better myself in the most natural way possible- by eating healthier and working out (but not in the gym).  I want to learn how to be more active in my everyday life and not become dependent on the machines at the gym.  The world will be my obstacle course!  I'm ready.

I've chosen this route for more than what was just read, though.  I want to rebuild my brain to see that I, myself, can take care of me.  I've gone a very long time living on bad habits.  I've been dependent on men since I was 16.  I've only had 3 serious relationships, but they all came one after the other.  I never allowed myself time for me.  I have spent 7 years of energy on others and never gave it to me.  That's going to change.  I'm going to lose 30 lbs in 90 days.  September 15-December 15.  I want to be eating fresh food, knowing that is nurturing my body.  I want to be out jogging, choosing my out route, my own speed.  I want to think my own thoughts, not worry about what the person on the elliptical beside me is doing.  I want the air in my hair, the ground moving under my feet because I'm making it happen.  I will see my waist slim, my legs define, my mind clear.  Also, jogging on the road is free.

That is my next frustration that's being fixed.  Money.  After I left my husband, I landed a job that makes the most money any 20-something year old could make without a college education.  Not only did I spend my energy on the men in my life, I spent all my money.  I felt partially obligated because I made far more than they, and I felt like I needed to spend my money because that's what a woman who loves them does.  I was never a saver.  That is, of course, until the day I saw that I was having less than a dollar to my name on Monday from my paycheck Friday.  I sat myself down, made a budget, and kinda sorta stuck to it.  Now I'm fed up.

I plan on starting some of my blogs in code, and I'm telling you now what is is.  For example:

7 of 30  in 27; $9,000 with 20

That'll mean I lost 7 of 30 lbs in 27 days, I have $9,000 in debt with 20 months until I'm debt free.  Actually, I'll add my current 'code' to this blog now.  :)