I had to get out of the house. I had to, had to, had to. Not because of boredom- my to-do list is never shortened. Not because I had somewhere to go- I had recently come home from work and all my errands were done in the early morning. Not out of excitement- "right now" was suppose to be a time of contentment that hadn't reached to me yet. I felt pressure in my chest. I felt anxiousness in my limbs. I couldn't STAND another second inside my four walls.
So I left. I had a busy day planned for then's tomorrow, a Saturday. I may as well run to the ATM, avoid the traffic, the hustle & bustle rush Saturdays seem to bring. It was silly of me to go to an ATM alone after 10 in the evening. Most would consider that unsafe, but once I decided that's where I was going as an escape from home, the anxiousness lessened. Got my cash and noticed the gas station lights were unusually bright. New florescents? My stomach lurched and the overwhelming urge to cross the busy street filled my insides. Alright, I'll go. If I could see my knuckles, I'm sure they were white from gripping the steering wheel. I'm going.
The very closest pump from the road was open. Another car was in front of me, going to the same place, but didn't stop at my usual pump. Chance? The pump, number 12, seemed unusually dark, considering how the light was what attracted me to this place. Maybe because 12 is at the end, or maybe it was because I was so close to the shadows of the trees.
I still had cash in hand when I opened my car door. I lifted the leaver for my gas tank, locked the doors, and started walking towards the store, all the while counting out 40 of my 100 dollars. I was still looking at my hands when my stomached flipped. I didn't see a man standing in the darkness on the sidewalk between the gas station and the dumpsters. I didn't see him, that is, until he started walking towards me. He had on long sleeves, a hoodie. It wasn't cool enough for that. He walked with a swag, but kept his head down. I picked up the pace, he turned his feet towards me. He never slowed down, but I reached the doors. Only one person in line. Only one clerk behind the desk.
I gave the clerk the money. "25 on 12, please". I put the change in my pocket immediately. Maybe if the man outside asked for cash, I could tell him I just put it all in my tank. I was hesitant to go back outside. Was he at the door? Was he waiting? Was he watching me?
I didn't see him at first. I was almost back to my car before I realized he was again hiding in the shadows on the sidewalk beside the dumpster. "Universe, please keep me safe". I felt it. I felt energy run to the tips of my fingers. I felt the energy in the bottoms of my feet. It made my hair stand on end. The urgency that got me out of my house left my body, leaving only awareness. I wasn't sure what I was aware of at the time, but I knew it was the single emotion I felt.
The man who pulled into the gas station before me was still there. He must be close to leaving, I'm sure. It doesn't take long to fill a tank, especially if you use a card to save a trip inside, unlike me. As soon as the handle of the pump was in my hand, I heard the *donk* that comes to signal no more gas can go in your car. The only person close to me, the only person keeping the hooded man away is leaving. "Please, please stay until I get $15 in. I'll leave with you". The man beside me squeezed the lever of his handle again. He's trying to fill more gas. I reached $10... "Please, a little more. I'll leave with you". *Donk* The man screwed his cap back on and got in his car. This is it. Is the last $15 worth my life? I'll stop when he starts his car. The man sat in his car for a minute, fumbling with something in his lap. Then he reached behind him, opened his car door, and threw away a soda bottle. I stared at him, trying to get his attention, to thank him with my eyes. He gets back in his car. $23.... $24..... *DONK* My tank has reached it's payment. The man's car starts. I look over at the hooded figure. He's shifting his weight from one foot to another, still watching me. Will he run for me? Is he going to take his chance?
I put my cap back on. I walk over to my driver's side door. Unlocked it. I hear My Savior's car shift into drive. He hesitates a moment, and starts to ease away. As soon as my car door shuts, the hooded man starts to walk towards me quickly, but not fast enough. I could see his face as I'm driving off the lot. Blank. Unkind. What was he thinking? What made him hesitate? I'm grateful for his cowardice. I'm grateful for the man who seemed busy, who didn't leave me alone. Whether the man did it on purpose, the Universe answered me.
The Universe made me leave my house, led me to this situation. It wanted me to feel what I felt. Made me be aware of me. I've gone years without caring what happens to me. I always put others first. This was the night the Universe showed me, earlier, a man I loved for four years as he really is. Showed me the black and white, the plain and simple, the facts. The universe pushed me out of the shadows of my life, away from the hooded figures, and introduced me to the bright lights of my future, the life-saving strangers, the urge to awaken and protect myself, my feelings, and my life.
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