To Jesse.

Jes,
  I used to think I'd like my Monday mornings without you.  Perfect time for me to pick up around the house, grab a book, lounge around with the fur-kids.  Today, I'm missing you.  The house is quiet, the cats are calm.  All I can hear is trickling water from fishtank and Sage snoring in very deep, even rhythms.  The peace is making me very aware of the pitter-patter going on in my chest and the butterflies in my stomach.  It's very easy for me to reflect on how much has been changed in my head over this past weekend. 
  I'm so grateful you showed me the Leela Meditation game.  Thank you for playing/learning it in front of me, all the while relaxing us both.  I'd really like to play more Leela, maybe even buy the full game.  It feels like calling it a 'game' would be rude!  It's a meditation/relaxation tool, not a 'playful' game!
  Thank you for always taking the time to talk with me.  I have been very disrespectful to you to say the very least, but you have always refused to leave my side.  I would've given up on me a few weeks ago.  I don't know what you see in me that makes you stick it through, but I'm extremely grateful.
  Thank you for holding me when I had a breakdown the other night.  I felt so awful knowing that people crying makes you upset, but I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there to calm me.
   Last night's talk was so helpful.  I know I kept saying "I know, I know", but hearing someone else say what's been going on in my head was a positive reinforcement, a confidence booster, and a mentor's advice all rolled into one.  I can now see how I need to keep my selfish, impromptu, emotionally hurt thought process separated from the professional/"save the relationship for the good of my future business" logic (and act on the latter, of course).  Your voice in the dark kept me focused, helped my reasoning, and relaxed my mind when I normally would have forced a wall up to avoid thinking about something that bothers me.  You're really good at tearing my walls down.  (I'll never admit that out loud.)
  Thank you for being a "Jack of all Trades".  That trait makes you very easy to talk to about anything.  I've always been very insecure/shy about talking about change, about things I'd like to do if I ever could find the confidence.  I can't believe how much knowledge and experience you already have to be able to share with me.
  I can't believe I've had you in my life for 4 years and never knew past the cute, funny, nerdy side of you.  :D I've always had an attraction to your voice, always wanted to hear your opinion about anything.  I loved hearing you and Brian shout out to each other's porches.  I used any excuse to go outside to see you.  I used to get scolded at when I'd hear your door open, or see a blur go past the window, because I'd always look to see if it was you.  Maybe my subconscious knew about us all along? 
  I look forward to learning everything there is to know about you.  You've already trusted me with so much.  I look forward to seeing you grow as your own person and  as a father.  Thanks for being awake and able to chat with me on October 2nd.  I'll always thank the universe for giving me the guts (and vodka drinks) to be extremely honest that night, and for the addiction to your presence that followed. 
 I guess it's time for me to start getting ready for work.  I hope your day has been peaceful, and gave you the money and satisfaction you asked the universe for.  :)

--Angel

Feelings are too hurt to write.

A change has happened.  I'm not sure if the Universe has shifted or my subconscious is reminding me I'm close to a personal new year, but a new mentality has hit me hard.  It seems I woke up and realized I've learned a whole lot almost overnight.
I realize talk too much about myself.  I give too much information about myself, share my opinion too often.  I'm not talking about giving a bit of advice or telling  a story to a friend, I practically share my honest feelings with strangers.  I've been told people like that about me.  I've realized it makes me vulnerable.  Makes it easier to be set up to have my feelings hurt.
And boy, have they been hurt recently. I took my dreads out over the Halloween Holiday.  It took over 30 hours and three flea combs, but it's all out.  I saved a ton of my hair, much more than I expected. Besides needing a trim, it looks great.  I've only had one person say she doesn't like it, she liked my dreads better.  She was the highlight of my week...  Yes, I miss my dreads. Yes, I loved how it made me different from everyone else.  That's not why she was my ray of sunshine.  All week, people have been oooh-ing and ahh-ing over my hair.  Numerous people ran their fingers through my hair without permission.  Way too many of them verbally slapped me in the face with a smile on their own.  "Angel, I love your hair! Your dreads really looked like shit."  Wow, really?  Yes.  That was a quote. Someone had the balls to tell me those exact words.  It was pretty much the jist of every encounter.... A hairstyle, a lifestyle that I LOVED, cheapened and abused at the blink of an eye.  It really hurt me to hear so many people being so negative, so many people ignoring my eyes staring at the floor, tears swelling. 

Ugh.  I don't feel like writing anymore.
$9635.97 left in debt.

Test with Lorrie

 

 

This should never be this hard.  GET A CLUE, BLOGSPOT.

Testing, Testing, One, two.

Let's do this shit.

This is going to seem harder than it really is.  I promise.  We're gonna need to do lunch.

The Red in Gray.

The weather has matched my emotions this week.  The skies have been gray & overcast, rain falling in waves, the grass continuing to grow in overgrown shades of green.  Very much parallel to my emotions.  My mind has never been farther from clear, waves of different emotions come & go as they please, my to-do list (and stress level)  growing & growing like weeds. 

I've been grateful for the splash of red, the random flower that has grown in the middle of the overgrowth I call a front yard.  I've never seen such a flower before & I've made it a point to search for something similar in neighboring yards.  I see the flower in the dark.  It captures my attention anytime I'm near a window or door.  It has the power to get me off my couch, into my car, out to get crafts, to hurry home & back inside again.  It inspires me to chip away at my to-do list.  That one piece of color in my week of gray, my hope for luminosity, a prayer for a rainbow.  Maybe this flower will bring me enough motivation to succeed in the fight against my debts.  Maybe it'll help me bring an added income to save for my divorce.  Maybe this splash of color will help me discover something about myself that I've allowed to be covered in a layer of dust- that thick, suffocating, layer of gray.

Day for art.

I decided to take a day for art.  I wasn't excited about it, but lately, I'm a girl of gut feelings.  I had the gut feeling to take today off, to make mass inventory of my pendants so they can be made today, cooked Wednesday, glued Thursday, packaged Friday, and sold Saturday.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  I didn't hesitate to set my alarm for 8:30.  I didn't fight my alarm clock when I woke up.  (I did feel guilty for not taking my pup out for a walk, though).

Since I don't have a phone, I decided to stop by the Community Center where I'd be selling my pendants on Saturday, to see if there was a size restriction on my space available.  I forgot to mention that I'd be under a tent, using an oversized table.  Upon meeting with the lady at the front desk, I was informed that they were overbooked, and my space was no longer available.  Bummer.  That didn't stop my day, though.  I was disappoint, yes, but there will be another day to sell, right?

I got to Blue Heron and got busy.  I had been thinking of a good friend, Lorrie, the night before and first thing in the morning, so I made cupcake pendants based after the one she made on our first glass fusing class together.  They were fun to make.  I played on the saw a bit, cutting out more shapes for my kitten pendants.  I sketched a few ideas.  I even stayed long enough (10 hours total) to attend a mosaic's class.

Customers came and left.  Most of them are used to my face, most of them try to sell their work like I do.  With a little courage, I talked with many people about my disappointment first thing in the morning.  That opened doors to advice.  I got several pamphlets on upcoming craft events.  I received advice on advertising and how to catch people's eye.  I met a woman in the mosaic's class (who I never would have met if I didn't skip out of my real job) who knows about Dave Ramsey, Eddie Bush, and has same opinions about life lessons (everything happening for a reason, etc.)! 

Today was meant to happen.  Today people who were interested in what I do and in promoting my success saw my face, heard my voice.  Today I was reminded that art is something that is meant to be in my life, even if it has to be done a little at a time for me to have the disappointments and the learned experiences in the long run.

I felt it in my soul & it happened.

I had to get out of the house.  I had to, had to, had to.  Not because of boredom- my to-do list is never shortened.  Not because I had somewhere to go- I had recently come home from work and all my errands were done in the early morning.  Not out of excitement- "right now" was suppose to be a time of contentment that hadn't reached to me yet.  I felt pressure in my chest.  I felt anxiousness in my limbs.  I couldn't STAND another second inside my four walls. 

So I left.  I had a busy day planned for then's tomorrow, a Saturday.  I may as well run to the ATM, avoid the traffic, the hustle & bustle rush Saturdays seem to bring.  It was silly of me to go to an ATM alone after 10 in the evening.  Most would consider that unsafe, but once I decided that's where I was going as an escape from home, the anxiousness lessened.  Got my cash and noticed the gas station lights were unusually bright.  New florescents?  My stomach lurched and the overwhelming urge to cross the busy street filled my insides.  Alright, I'll go.  If I could see my knuckles, I'm sure they were white from gripping the steering wheel.   I'm going.

The very closest pump from the road was open.  Another car was in front of me, going to the same place, but didn't stop at my usual pump.  Chance?  The pump, number 12, seemed unusually dark, considering how the light was what attracted me to this place.  Maybe because 12 is at the end, or maybe it was because I was so close to the shadows of the trees. 

I still had cash in hand when I opened my car door.  I lifted the leaver for my gas tank, locked the doors, and started walking towards the store, all the while counting out 40 of my 100 dollars.  I was still looking at my hands when my stomached flipped.  I didn't see a man standing in the darkness on the sidewalk between the gas station and the dumpsters.  I didn't see him, that is, until he started walking towards me.  He had on long sleeves, a hoodie.  It wasn't cool enough for that.  He walked with a swag, but kept his head down.  I picked up the pace, he turned his feet towards me.  He never slowed down, but I reached the doors.  Only one person in line.  Only one clerk behind the desk. 

I gave the clerk the money.  "25 on 12, please".  I put the change in my pocket immediately.  Maybe if the man outside asked for cash, I could tell him I just put it all in my tank.  I was hesitant to go back outside.  Was he at the door?  Was he waiting?  Was he watching me? 

I didn't see him at first.  I was almost back to my car before I realized he was again hiding in the shadows on the sidewalk beside the dumpster.  "Universe, please keep me safe".  I felt it.  I felt energy run to the tips of my fingers.  I felt the energy in the bottoms of my feet.  It made my hair stand on end.  The urgency that got me out of my house left my body, leaving only awareness.  I wasn't sure what I was aware of at the time, but I knew it was the single emotion I felt.

The man who pulled into the gas station before me was still there.  He must be close to leaving, I'm sure.  It doesn't take long to fill a tank, especially if you use a card to save a trip inside, unlike me.  As soon as the handle of the pump was in my hand, I heard the *donk* that comes to signal no more gas can go in your car.  The only person close to me, the only person keeping the hooded man away is leaving.  "Please, please stay until I get $15 in.  I'll leave with you".  The man beside me squeezed the lever of his handle again.  He's trying to fill more gas.  I reached $10... "Please, a little more.  I'll leave with you".  *Donk*  The man screwed his cap back on and got in his car.  This is it.  Is the last $15 worth my life?  I'll stop when he starts his car.  The man sat in his car for a minute, fumbling with something in his lap.  Then he reached behind him, opened his car door, and threw away a soda bottle.  I stared at him, trying to get his attention, to thank him with my eyes.  He gets back in his car.  $23.... $24.....   *DONK*  My tank has reached it's payment.  The man's car starts.  I look over at the hooded figure.  He's shifting his weight from one foot to another, still watching me.  Will he run for me?  Is he going to take his chance?

I put my cap back on.  I walk over to my driver's side door.  Unlocked it.  I hear My Savior's car shift into drive.  He hesitates a moment, and starts to ease away.  As soon as my car door shuts, the hooded man starts to walk towards me quickly, but not fast enough.  I could see his face as I'm driving off the lot.  Blank. Unkind.  What was he thinking?  What made him hesitate?  I'm grateful for his cowardice.  I'm grateful for the man who seemed busy, who didn't leave me alone.  Whether the man did it on purpose, the Universe answered me. 

The Universe made me leave my house, led me to this situation.  It wanted me to feel what I felt.  Made me be aware of me.  I've gone years without caring what happens to me.  I always put others first.  This was the night the Universe showed me, earlier, a man I loved for four years as he really is.  Showed me the black and white, the plain and simple, the facts.  The universe pushed me out of the shadows of my life, away from the hooded figures, and introduced me to the bright lights of my future, the life-saving strangers, the urge to awaken and protect myself, my feelings, and my life.